Dance Lessons

My father worked his way through podiatry school as a part-time instructor at the Arthur Murray Dance Studio on north Broad Street in Philadelphia. To dance in the 1940s and ’50s, lessons were a must. Back then, learning the Jitterbug, the Jive, and the Lindy Hop was equivalent to assembling IKEA furniture today. You needed the help of a pro if you wanted the thing to look anything like it was supposed to.

At every family wedding, I remember people asking him how to do a certain dance and his answer was always the same. “Which part? The girls or the guys?” I knew what he meant from his explanation, but I could see it more clearly when he was on the dance floor. Without the right partner who knew what they were doing, the Swing just didn’t look right.

I never learned the steps my father mastered, but I came to understand the lessons he taught. Leading and following had nothing to do with who was in charge. Those terms were simply meant to distinguish the roles each partner played. They were equally important in making the performance work, even if their steps were different.

In my own work, I discovered that the mechanics of a relationship are a lot like those of a dance. Who leads and who follows doesn’t usually matter as long as the roles are balanced, the moves are synchronized, and the responsibilities are shared. Each side takes turns leading and following, teaching and learning, giving and receiving.

That’s how it should work.

Unfortunately, it rarely does. Nature makes sure of that.

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It’s easy to forget that humans are a product of this world, not the creator of it. We emerged from the same tumultuous environment as every other life form and have been shaped by the same physical forces that manage it. As much as we wish for a home with balance, harmony, and cooperation, the nature of this planet is one of hierarchy and competition; winners and losers.

Earth has always been a pretty rough neighborhood for every living thing. Few organisms live comfortably and almost none die of old age. The vast majority of species are close to the edge of disaster and death as they face starvation, exhaustion, predation, overcrowding, and a depletion of available resources nearly every second of their short existence. Being strong, powerful, and greedy have been advantages in nature from the very beginning, so the message instilled in every organism is clear: don’t be weak.

As social creatures, power comes from our status and influence. Our “natural” impulse wants us to be in charge, make decisions, and write the script because that is the path to success.

At least, that is the default mode of human brains; the one that follows nature’s playbook for winning. But the unique thing about being human is that we can turn our autopilot off. We can take different paths and choose better ways. We can learn to follow as much as we lead, listen as much as we talk, and receive as much as we give. We don’t have to behave like every other life form. We can learn to dance.

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Dance Lesson #1

Last week, an “influential thought leader” posted the following on LinkedIn and Twitter:

“63 studies: women who assert their ideas, make direct requests, and advocate for themselves are liked less. They’re also less likely to get hired — and it hasn’t improved over time.

It’s 2021. When will we stop punishing women for challenging outdated gender stereotypes? And people of color who defy antiquated racial stereotypes?”

It generated over 12,000 reactions (likes, applause, hearts, lightbulbs).

My question is: why? 

That post didn’t offer any value or insight. It didn’t increase our knowledge, add to our understanding, trigger our thinking, or more importantly, offer even a baby-step solution to the problem. It was just words pointing out what we already knew. And yet, it received 12,000 positive reactions.

I’m guessing the majority of those likes, claps, and hearts were approving the post’s sentiment and grateful that a popular person of influence was calling attention to this unjust treatment of women and people of color. That’s fine. It’s certainly a wrong that needs to be righted and deserves all of our attention. But…where is the author’s expertise in providing a solution or even a way forward? What did they offer that any of us couldn’t have gotten from a quick Google search? Why be given a platform if you can’t or aren’t going to use it?

If you think I’m being harsh, let’s turn it around. If you had a global army of followers that numbered in the hundreds of thousands, would you call them together, ask them to pay attention, then tell them something they most likely already knew? No new insight about the cause. No better explanation of the implications. No call to action. Just syrupy sentiment that borders on pandering.

You wouldn’t. Yet someone in exactly that position does and receives overwhelming praise.

By now, you’re probably thinking I have a personal grievance, bitter jealousy, or a secret vendetta against this thought leader. I don’t. This post is not about them or their obligation as an influencer. It’s about you and your responsibility as a follower.

I never learned the steps my father mastered, but I came to understand the lessons he taught. Leading and following had nothing to do with who was in charge. Those terms were simply meant to distinguish the roles each partner played. They were equally important in making the performance work, even if their steps were different.

Relationships are always a two-way street. It doesn’t matter if it is your personal or professional life: whether you are partners in a marriage, a manager and employee in a workplace, or an influencer and follower in a virtual world. Both sides have roles and responsibilities that will shift back and forth, but they must always remain balanced.

Leaders with influence shouldn’t neglect the opportunity to offer solutions to problems, or at the very least, mobilize an effort to solve them. But followers shouldn’t give those leaders a pass when they don’t. And they certainly shouldn’t praise them for saying and doing nothing of consequence when given the chance and platform. It isn’t necessary that you criticize a leader or influencer when they choose to be lazy, but you shouldn’t reward them when they are. Those in charge should have expectations of us. We should have expectations for them. That is balance. That is dancing.